Beautiful Chaos

Its pureness is something that cannot be denied.
and its brightness can bring light to a darkened landscape.
and the silence...
The silence is beautiful.

Its presence muffles every sound and movement,
and no matter how alone you are,
it gives you a strange sense of comfort and safety
because in it, everyone is on the same level.

Notebook me

It gets me everytime,
the beauty of the relationship,
the happiness,
the true love and compassion

....and the fact that she forgets.

The reassuring fact that love will find us all, that we will one day be reunited with that long lost love, that person. 'The One'. The fact is torn from us. We forget, one day , we will forget it all, like it never happened, it never existed. And we have to go through our lives, every so often being reminded of this fact, the fact that, yes...it will all be for nothing. One day everything we have done will cease to exist. That day, the day we forget, is the end.....of everything.

It makes me think of my family, my grandparents. If I could go back in time, I would show them that it wasn't for nothing and, whatever happened, they ended up together. I want them to see me and smile, and know it all happened for a reason.

When I am old, and I forget, I want someone to remind me. Not anyone, I want 'that someone' to sit beside me and hold my hand, and make me remember, and smile, and laugh. Because then I will know it was worth it, and I can look back with no regret.

I want to feel the happiness well up inside me, I want to do something worthwhile, I want to be remembered....and be worth remembering.


It kind of puts it all in perspective doesn't it?

You have: One New message.

I love hearing from you
it makes my day
only a few sentences exchanged
a few smiles at a keyboard as I reply
nothing more.

Are you smiling as you type?
laughing at my stressy replies
my funny outlooks...
or are you just replying
not paying attention
Im a non-event in your day.

I don't know.

I care, I want to know more,
I want you to tell me all about you.

I think Im too open...
maybe its off-putting, maybe its too much.
Why keep things from people you trust
from people you want to become fixtures in your life?

I want you to become a fixture,
a constant,
a rock.

Don't be a stranger,
ever.

Maybe in our busy lives we can find time to talk again.
I look forward to it.
And I will smile when it does.

Love/Hate

You pull me in, with your routine
your familiarity.
You make me feel proud, like an achiever,
Strong, like a rock
You challenge me, everytime.

But you push me
to the edge
...you're pushing me over the edge
and I'm slipping,
I'm watching the ground I stand upon fall from beneath my feet
I can see it hurtling down and breaking into 1000 pecies on the ground below
The ground that I so dearly love.

You hinder my enjoyment
Halt parts of my life
and remove shards of happiness from my heart.

You steal my time,
you take it and toy with it, like a cat to a mouse.
you torture me with your eternal darkness,
your angry conditions,
your chill,

so cold.

You make me feel like a broken toy
looking intact,
but the cogs aren't turning properly anymore,
with the happy face painted on,
and the beauty etched in the hard, cold plastic.

Functioning, but not actually being.

I hate you so much.
But I can't help but love you.
I am addicted.

I read somewhere:
'Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you'


...really?

40 winks

We sleep...
everyday

we sleep...
to escape our lives,

to regenerate,

to dream.

to imagine the unimagineable,

to return to that place...that moment.


Today I slept.

The Centre Line

Theres something liberating about walking down the middle of a road

Houses on either side

Nothing in front, nothing behind


Just you, and the road.

Theres a feeling of safety,
but complete vulnerability

And you don't realise it,
but there could be eyes, watching you from windows up high
from hidden places, places we do not realise even exist.

Maybe on day we will discover them.


So I walk, with my head held high,
and with quiet sureness of myself.
Hoping that maybe someone will notice.

But I am content, walking alone.
I know where I am going,
and I do not forget where I have been.

I like this road, with its cobbles
its ups and downs,
its twists and turns,

and its my road, I have it all to myself.

Come and walk with me, for a while
we can talk, we can laugh....


Maybe we have the same destination.

An apology you will never hear

When everything else is gone
when everyone has left
when theres nothing to do
I thought I'd be happy, in a way, I'd feel free.

but Ive been left with a heavy heart
and something on my conscience
and Im trying to be positive
and im trying to get on with things
but I can't

Theres so much I want to say to you
but I can hardly look at you
and its not in anger
nor is it with hurt
it is with pure shame

Everytime I see you, I hate myself
I hate what I did...
or what I couldn't find the courage to do
and if I could change things I honestly would.

I want you to read this
and i want to tell you why
but you wont, and I cant...
but I have to...and I will try.

I know there is so much you want to say to me
and I know I do not want to hear it
...because I know it will all be true
...and it will be the actions of a person I am growing to hate

This cloud over my head will not go away
I dread the rain, I dread the thunder and the lightning,
but maybe once the storm is over there will be sunshine.




....Im really afraid of the storm.

Reasons?

Is there a reason why we do this?
is there some...some...thing some object that we desire?
is there someone that we need to impress?
someone that we need to prove something to?

I do not know

All I know is that there is something, in my heart and in my mind that wills me, that pushes me, even when I cannot breathe, when I cannot see, when the sweat runs down my forehead and into my eyes and my hands burn like fire.
All I know is that there is something, and that thing, that feeling, will never leave me as long as I live and as long as I remember.


That feeling keeps me sane, keeps me going...it keeps me alive.

Far away, there in the sunshine
are my highest aspirations.

I may not reach them
but I can look up, see their beauty
and believe.

Skipping

You know that moment, where your heart ACTUALLY skips a beat,
and you don't know whether you want to laugh, or cry,
and you have this stupid smile on your face?
I just had that.

And its crazy, because I don't know if I want what just happened...to have happened
I think I'd rather have buried my head in the sand
and got on with life, oblivious.

Maybe its not a smile on my face, maybe its a pained expression
I don't know whether I'm happy or angry
whether I want to cry or not.

No, I don't want to cry, I'm so over that
I want to laugh
I'm laughing, its so stupid...

its so...unexpected.

I just had that moment, where my heart ACTUALLY skipped a beat.
I don't like it.

I need to focus, I need to study, I need...I need you to stop playing with my heart.



Leave my heart alone.

When theres nothing left to say....talk about the weather.

The sun shines through my window, just before it sinks below the rooftops.
The air is fresh and the breeze is cool.
A storm has just passed.
Widespread flooding had resulted.

Life has returned to normal, the storm blew over.





I guess it wasn't really that big a storm.



Not even the weatherman knows what tomorrow will bring,
all I know is...the weather looks good.

Maybe I was looking in the wrong place and never saw you...but you were there all along...and now its too late.

Everytime I see him, it hurts, just a little bit.

And everytime I see him look at her, it hurts even more.

And then I look beside me, and I see no one there, and it breaks my heart...

Just a little bit.



Tell me, tell me Im worth something, so I can smile, and laugh, and pretend it means nothing to me.

And then I'll stop hurting, just a little bit.

Bring your shoes and we'll go walking

If we could change anything, there would be so much.
We would take back so many things, we would do things differently, we would take those leaps of faith, we should have trusted our instinct, we should have listned.

But we wouldn't change anything.

The choices we made, all of the mistakes, all of the failures, the arguments, the disappointments, have made us who we are.
They make us who we will become.
They make us better people.
And though we may feel small, worthless, unloved...we know, somewhere, someone is looking for us.
When we make biggest mistake of our lives, it may turn out to be the best mistake. The mistake that leads us into their arms.
That blunder that changes everything.
We may not realise it at the time, but that fatal error will be the best thing we could ever do.

Don't lose hope, I am here for you, I am behind you.
Keep walking, keep fighting, and one day you will make that step that changes everything.

And I will be here to smile with you.

Grasping for Happiness...

Do we dream of what we want, what we aspire for, or what will never happen?
Do we hope for our own luck, even at the misfortune of others?
Do we want what is right for ourselves, or for what will never work?
Do we set ourselves up for disappointment, just so we can feel that glimmer of hope, grasp for that desire, but end up watching it vanish....torn from us?
Is happiness just an ideal....can it ever be achieved?
I let the music carry me...to a better place, to that place where I am happy, where I am free of troubles, where the world is as it should be.
But the music must end at some point.
Why now?


World, let me have my music, play on.

Lonely...?

Once I stood in a room full of people and felt completely alone. I didnt share those jokes, I didnt feel the warmth of friendship, I didnt feel carefree. I was drowning. I felt suffocated by other peoples happiness, their friendship. I felt like a dog inside, sat there, looking longingly out at the park and the open air.
I made the effort never to feel like this again. I surrounded myself with friends, made their friendship mine, made their happiness warm me. I became able to pick and choose my friends, let people down, hurt people's feelings. I became a bad friend, but I could feel it happening to me, I could see I was becoming someone I loathed. I didn't care, I was happy, secure, surrounded.
That room full of strangers was now a room full of friends.


I hope they do not become strangers, forget my name, forget my face, loathe me....not need me.

I need them. All of the money in the world cannot buy you friends. It cannot replace those you trust. Those you can share a joke..and a tear with are more important that all the gold in King Solomons mines. If you have no one to share that with, then you have nothing to live for.

I can walk through the wilderness and never feel alone, because that friendship never leaves me, it may fade, but it always glows warm withtin my heart. And that warmth is something that cannot be replaced.

Indecision

Will I get up, or dream on in my blissful sleep, filled with laughter and sunshine, as the birds fly overhead and the waves lap at the shore?
Will I text him, I dont need to, I dont want to, but should I? I feel I have to.
Will i get dresses, or will I prance around in my underwear with the curtains shut, away from the miserable world outside?
Will I eat that? Its not good for me, but it tastes soo good, it cheers me up
Will I tell her the truth, I shouldn't, well, maybe I should.
Do i like him? or do I like the concept of him, the concept of feeling loved, having someone to kiss whenever I want? The thought that he likes me, but does he like me more than I like him? Is it just convenient? Is it that fact that everone else thinks its a good idea, and I just don't know what i think? Am I being shallow? Am I being vain, fussy, selfish?

Am I looking into it all too much?

Indecision to say something...
Indecision even in what to think....

Indecision.....

City Life...?

There is nothing fresher and purer than a morning. When you walk an empty street at the crack of dawn, when the whole world is a hopeful shade of grey, you can feel the freshness in the air, the dampness on your lips, the cold air on you eyelids. It feels as though the world has been rid of its sins and it is starting new all over again. There is something about the light that makes you feel happy, even on the greyest of days, even as the rain falls. The silence is so soothing, the raindrops seem so harmless and innocent, their drops are the only sound that fills your ears, each one feels different, you notice and appreciate each drop as it splashes on your face. The air smells so clean, the world is so refreshed, it refreshes you, it makes you feel so calm inside that for once all you can do is take it all in. You can feel at one with the world, you can appreciate it and feel in awe of it, yet feel part of it. There is noting fresher and purer than a morning in the countryside.

The city never sleeps. The morning in the city is not a morning, it is a continuation of the night before, and the day before that, and the week before that. The world does not feel new, it feels tired, mundane, life is a chore. As you walk the streets, you do not feel alone, you are not alone. There will always be someone who has been awake before you, walked the street before you. All you can feel is the crushed sense of nature, hear the engine of a car in the distance and the rush of the sewers below you. It feels like the world has not gone to sleep, it just hasn't stopped. And the rain, the rain feels like tears, tears of sadness and loneliness. There is nothing more lonely that the city, where you are just another number, another face. There is nothing more depressing than being surrounded by people but feeling completely alone. The city never sleeps, yet it is never really awake either. The city does not live.

Intimacy

Alone now
but not for long
I feel like I can't cope with my own company
I want him beside me
my cold hands on his back
his rough hands on my waist
his lips on mine
our bodies intertwined.
My heart rate quickens
my toes tingle
my legs tense up.
I want to feel his breath on my neck as I lie here in my bed
but he is not here,
I don't feel lonely, I know he will be back
I feel excited, happy...content.

Repression

Sometimes, I feel like I am trapped,
like the words in my head cannot be said,
like I am a caged animal.

I feel like I cant express myself,
The city represses my creativity,
the people depress me...
they fill me with rage.

I want to say something...
but I cant say it
Its like hoping for a storm,
but enjoying the tranquility of the sea,
the peace and the beauty of it.
The way it soothes you.

Maybe the storm will come soon
For now I will enjoy the peace.

Stronger as one

I miss the thrill of the game,
the joy of the score,
the desperation to win,
the self awareness and quick thinking.

I miss the moment to shine
the pride felt for others.

The team is different now
It is a unit
we are one, we move together,
an individual's mistake is a team's downfall
Together we win ,
Together we shine .
Together....we row.

Lack of Inspiration

The paper the leaflets and mess,
The dirty plates and glasses,
The sheets of chemical formulae
and the packet of paracetamol.
The thick black pen, that scores out the weeks,
day
by
day.
The broken iPod earphones,
and a half empty bottle from the gym.
The £1 note pinned to the wall
and the curling photos of summer time...





Its dark outside,
Someone is watching T.V next door
None of this is helping.