An apology you will never hear

When everything else is gone
when everyone has left
when theres nothing to do
I thought I'd be happy, in a way, I'd feel free.

but Ive been left with a heavy heart
and something on my conscience
and Im trying to be positive
and im trying to get on with things
but I can't

Theres so much I want to say to you
but I can hardly look at you
and its not in anger
nor is it with hurt
it is with pure shame

Everytime I see you, I hate myself
I hate what I did...
or what I couldn't find the courage to do
and if I could change things I honestly would.

I want you to read this
and i want to tell you why
but you wont, and I cant...
but I have to...and I will try.

I know there is so much you want to say to me
and I know I do not want to hear it
...because I know it will all be true
...and it will be the actions of a person I am growing to hate

This cloud over my head will not go away
I dread the rain, I dread the thunder and the lightning,
but maybe once the storm is over there will be sunshine.




....Im really afraid of the storm.

Reasons?

Is there a reason why we do this?
is there some...some...thing some object that we desire?
is there someone that we need to impress?
someone that we need to prove something to?

I do not know

All I know is that there is something, in my heart and in my mind that wills me, that pushes me, even when I cannot breathe, when I cannot see, when the sweat runs down my forehead and into my eyes and my hands burn like fire.
All I know is that there is something, and that thing, that feeling, will never leave me as long as I live and as long as I remember.


That feeling keeps me sane, keeps me going...it keeps me alive.

Far away, there in the sunshine
are my highest aspirations.

I may not reach them
but I can look up, see their beauty
and believe.

Skipping

You know that moment, where your heart ACTUALLY skips a beat,
and you don't know whether you want to laugh, or cry,
and you have this stupid smile on your face?
I just had that.

And its crazy, because I don't know if I want what just happened...to have happened
I think I'd rather have buried my head in the sand
and got on with life, oblivious.

Maybe its not a smile on my face, maybe its a pained expression
I don't know whether I'm happy or angry
whether I want to cry or not.

No, I don't want to cry, I'm so over that
I want to laugh
I'm laughing, its so stupid...

its so...unexpected.

I just had that moment, where my heart ACTUALLY skipped a beat.
I don't like it.

I need to focus, I need to study, I need...I need you to stop playing with my heart.



Leave my heart alone.

When theres nothing left to say....talk about the weather.

The sun shines through my window, just before it sinks below the rooftops.
The air is fresh and the breeze is cool.
A storm has just passed.
Widespread flooding had resulted.

Life has returned to normal, the storm blew over.





I guess it wasn't really that big a storm.



Not even the weatherman knows what tomorrow will bring,
all I know is...the weather looks good.

Maybe I was looking in the wrong place and never saw you...but you were there all along...and now its too late.

Everytime I see him, it hurts, just a little bit.

And everytime I see him look at her, it hurts even more.

And then I look beside me, and I see no one there, and it breaks my heart...

Just a little bit.



Tell me, tell me Im worth something, so I can smile, and laugh, and pretend it means nothing to me.

And then I'll stop hurting, just a little bit.

Bring your shoes and we'll go walking

If we could change anything, there would be so much.
We would take back so many things, we would do things differently, we would take those leaps of faith, we should have trusted our instinct, we should have listned.

But we wouldn't change anything.

The choices we made, all of the mistakes, all of the failures, the arguments, the disappointments, have made us who we are.
They make us who we will become.
They make us better people.
And though we may feel small, worthless, unloved...we know, somewhere, someone is looking for us.
When we make biggest mistake of our lives, it may turn out to be the best mistake. The mistake that leads us into their arms.
That blunder that changes everything.
We may not realise it at the time, but that fatal error will be the best thing we could ever do.

Don't lose hope, I am here for you, I am behind you.
Keep walking, keep fighting, and one day you will make that step that changes everything.

And I will be here to smile with you.

Grasping for Happiness...

Do we dream of what we want, what we aspire for, or what will never happen?
Do we hope for our own luck, even at the misfortune of others?
Do we want what is right for ourselves, or for what will never work?
Do we set ourselves up for disappointment, just so we can feel that glimmer of hope, grasp for that desire, but end up watching it vanish....torn from us?
Is happiness just an ideal....can it ever be achieved?
I let the music carry me...to a better place, to that place where I am happy, where I am free of troubles, where the world is as it should be.
But the music must end at some point.
Why now?


World, let me have my music, play on.