Reality Check.

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/dispatches/episode-guide/series-95/episode-1

To my brother...

....twat.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I thought I'd moved on from this
got over the hill of longing
and was skipping down the face of carefree enjoyment
turns out I'm in a rolling valley

and the cliff of longing has presented itself infront of me again.

I don't know if I can bring myself to climb again,
I don't think I have the strength.

Maybe I should turn, and walk down through the valley of life,
forget about the perilous climb,
the adrenaline rush as I reach heights I have never climbed to,
the views I could enjoy,
the small things I could discover in the cracks and crevices of his life,
its tempting.....

I remembered...I thought I hadn't forgotten.

Your voice is so soft,
it soothes me.

It makes me smile, long after you've stopped speaking.

Your eyes are so warm,
your look so intense,
I feel stripped of any falseness,
its just me, you...and thats it.

I can't believe how you make me feel,
I can't think when we talk,
all I have in my head is you,
and the rest turns to....you.

I forgot how much I liked your voice.
I forgot how dark your eyes were.
I forgot how much it meant to me when you smiled.


I don't know how I forgot...

'Eos'

The feeling could not be released,
a tearing, pulling that never ceased.
and inside lay a captive scream,
closing her eyes, she dares to dream
of summer nights and days gone by;
carefree, happy, joyful and high,
on life that has now escaped her grasp,
like a strand of hair slips from a clasp.

Tumbling down her shoulders, those vines,
those locks of beauty set in lines,
hold the embers of that summer day,
that now feels so very far away.
They fade with every tug and pat,
leaving the canvas dull and flat.
Her beauty that was meant to be,
has been stolen by the sea.

Those eyes that should be gazed upon,
so warm and sparkling like a fawn,
have lost that flare, that warmth, that good,
and now lay empty, hard like wood.
No batting of those woeful eyes,
would make one see or realise,

that what was buring, that flame so bright,

has faded deep into the night.

Orange is the happiest colour

"When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out...because that's what's inside. When you are squeezed, what comes out is what is inside."
- Wayne Dyer

A revelation?

"Where is there dignity, unless there is honesty?" Cicero


Existing in a state of disbelief,
Ignoring the truths that lie before us,
we chose to live in a way we think is best,
and fill our minds with dreams of ourselves.
We are selfish by nature,
a trait we condone,

but do not admit to.

We fly by our own wings, yes,
but we are taught how to fly.
We credit ourselves for the heights that we soar,
yet if we fall, we are the first to turn to our teacher.

Our happiness will only come through the departure of our selfishness,
the disappearance of our vanity,
and faith and pride in others.


Only then will we realise how much we have grown.


Only then will it be possible to be completely content.

Pot Black

Pool.
Thats the aim of the game.

but if you get there before you're supposed to
...then what happens?

You don't get to play out the rest of the game.
Its game over.


For everyone.

You could play the game out,
but you, and your compnent will know that its all for nothing.
No one is really going to win.
Not in the true sense.
Potting all those balls and losing anyway.
It seems unfair,
yet why not play on?
You might get some amazing shots
and by the end of the game that little black ball...
...and the rest of them will have been completely forgotten about
...there is a new prize.

The goals can shift.

I think we should play the game out.
I think we should find joy in playing
and forget about who wins or loses
because we will be playing together.

But it seems that I suck at pool
I can't play the game
and I can't decide if you've quit...
...or you're still playing.


Maybe we should take a walk.

Less Human. More Being.

I want to feel the wind in my hair,
the cold air,
stealing the feeling from my fingers,
pinching at my nose,
stinging my eyes.

I want to stand in the silence of nowhere,
and look at the endless nothingness,
and run to the horizon,
only to find the great expanse of nothingness continuing,
into the distance
and beyond.

I want to hear the rustling of the grass,
the whistling of the wind,
the cracking of twigs,
under the feet of the millions of living creatures,
who I cannot see,
but who I know are there.

I want to know that if I cry out,
no one will hear me.
The wind will steal my words
and no one will see me smiling to myself.


Just me.

Just there.



I want to BE. Nothing more.

The moonlight

The moonlight is casting shadows,
Long and dark, they stretch across the cobbles
scraping at my legs as I run along.
They grasp at my heels as I kick up the grit,
and lean out infront of me like obstacles on a shooting range.

No matter how fast I run
or how much I focus on those patches of light,
those shadows catch up with me
and try to pull me back.

I fight the urge to run home
to run back to what I know, what I am.
I'm trying, so hard, to stay away from it all
to keep out of the shadows
..to stay in the light.

But if you are in the shadows,
watching...
waiting...
...for me to stumble,
to turn my head,
to look in you direction,
then wait you can.

As I will keep on running,
into the light,
until the sun rises, and your shadows vanish,
and you leave me in my meadow of joy.

If you want, follow me into the sunshine,
but don't hide in the depths,
I will not seek you out,
I will turn my head and keep on walking,
no matter how much it hurts.

Come into the sunshine.

Together we can dance.

we can talk...


...we can be.

We all need some 'sole'

How often do we notice the bottom of our feet?

We walk upon them every day
they carry us to our destination,
keep us going through bad weather,
ground us in moments of insanity.

We don't notice how dirty our feet get,
however we don't notice when they are clean either.
But we realise when they have to walk through crap.

I could never tell you what the bottom of my feet look like
because I never look,
but I know that without my soles....


I would be nowhere.

Eat Me

Lust...its one of those things you can't avoid.
It's not love
love is something more, something different..
I think...
I don't know what love is

...not really.

Lust however...
thats another thing.
and its worse, worse than love
I guess its sometimes the same as unrequited love
the worst love of them all.

I always imagine my lust will turn into love
but it worries me that then it will just be...
...unrequited love.
I'll end up wanting you so much, that I'll feel like I need you
and then I'll think that I'm in love with you...
but for you, it will just be lust
and that feeling will pass, like a flurry of snow.
and its beautiful while it lasts,
but then it melts, and you're left with the dirty remains,
in small piles,
across the vast space in your mind,

...and it refuses to go away.

I am a thinker, I will not deny it.
and I think about you SO much...
and maybe, just maybe you think about me in the same way

But can we keep it up for 5 months?



I hope so.