Beautiful Chaos

Its pureness is something that cannot be denied.
and its brightness can bring light to a darkened landscape.
and the silence...
The silence is beautiful.

Its presence muffles every sound and movement,
and no matter how alone you are,
it gives you a strange sense of comfort and safety
because in it, everyone is on the same level.

Notebook me

It gets me everytime,
the beauty of the relationship,
the happiness,
the true love and compassion

....and the fact that she forgets.

The reassuring fact that love will find us all, that we will one day be reunited with that long lost love, that person. 'The One'. The fact is torn from us. We forget, one day , we will forget it all, like it never happened, it never existed. And we have to go through our lives, every so often being reminded of this fact, the fact that, yes...it will all be for nothing. One day everything we have done will cease to exist. That day, the day we forget, is the end.....of everything.

It makes me think of my family, my grandparents. If I could go back in time, I would show them that it wasn't for nothing and, whatever happened, they ended up together. I want them to see me and smile, and know it all happened for a reason.

When I am old, and I forget, I want someone to remind me. Not anyone, I want 'that someone' to sit beside me and hold my hand, and make me remember, and smile, and laugh. Because then I will know it was worth it, and I can look back with no regret.

I want to feel the happiness well up inside me, I want to do something worthwhile, I want to be remembered....and be worth remembering.


It kind of puts it all in perspective doesn't it?

You have: One New message.

I love hearing from you
it makes my day
only a few sentences exchanged
a few smiles at a keyboard as I reply
nothing more.

Are you smiling as you type?
laughing at my stressy replies
my funny outlooks...
or are you just replying
not paying attention
Im a non-event in your day.

I don't know.

I care, I want to know more,
I want you to tell me all about you.

I think Im too open...
maybe its off-putting, maybe its too much.
Why keep things from people you trust
from people you want to become fixtures in your life?

I want you to become a fixture,
a constant,
a rock.

Don't be a stranger,
ever.

Maybe in our busy lives we can find time to talk again.
I look forward to it.
And I will smile when it does.

Love/Hate

You pull me in, with your routine
your familiarity.
You make me feel proud, like an achiever,
Strong, like a rock
You challenge me, everytime.

But you push me
to the edge
...you're pushing me over the edge
and I'm slipping,
I'm watching the ground I stand upon fall from beneath my feet
I can see it hurtling down and breaking into 1000 pecies on the ground below
The ground that I so dearly love.

You hinder my enjoyment
Halt parts of my life
and remove shards of happiness from my heart.

You steal my time,
you take it and toy with it, like a cat to a mouse.
you torture me with your eternal darkness,
your angry conditions,
your chill,

so cold.

You make me feel like a broken toy
looking intact,
but the cogs aren't turning properly anymore,
with the happy face painted on,
and the beauty etched in the hard, cold plastic.

Functioning, but not actually being.

I hate you so much.
But I can't help but love you.
I am addicted.

I read somewhere:
'Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you'


...really?

40 winks

We sleep...
everyday

we sleep...
to escape our lives,

to regenerate,

to dream.

to imagine the unimagineable,

to return to that place...that moment.


Today I slept.

The Centre Line

Theres something liberating about walking down the middle of a road

Houses on either side

Nothing in front, nothing behind


Just you, and the road.

Theres a feeling of safety,
but complete vulnerability

And you don't realise it,
but there could be eyes, watching you from windows up high
from hidden places, places we do not realise even exist.

Maybe on day we will discover them.


So I walk, with my head held high,
and with quiet sureness of myself.
Hoping that maybe someone will notice.

But I am content, walking alone.
I know where I am going,
and I do not forget where I have been.

I like this road, with its cobbles
its ups and downs,
its twists and turns,

and its my road, I have it all to myself.

Come and walk with me, for a while
we can talk, we can laugh....


Maybe we have the same destination.

An apology you will never hear

When everything else is gone
when everyone has left
when theres nothing to do
I thought I'd be happy, in a way, I'd feel free.

but Ive been left with a heavy heart
and something on my conscience
and Im trying to be positive
and im trying to get on with things
but I can't

Theres so much I want to say to you
but I can hardly look at you
and its not in anger
nor is it with hurt
it is with pure shame

Everytime I see you, I hate myself
I hate what I did...
or what I couldn't find the courage to do
and if I could change things I honestly would.

I want you to read this
and i want to tell you why
but you wont, and I cant...
but I have to...and I will try.

I know there is so much you want to say to me
and I know I do not want to hear it
...because I know it will all be true
...and it will be the actions of a person I am growing to hate

This cloud over my head will not go away
I dread the rain, I dread the thunder and the lightning,
but maybe once the storm is over there will be sunshine.




....Im really afraid of the storm.