Love/Hate

You pull me in, with your routine
your familiarity.
You make me feel proud, like an achiever,
Strong, like a rock
You challenge me, everytime.

But you push me
to the edge
...you're pushing me over the edge
and I'm slipping,
I'm watching the ground I stand upon fall from beneath my feet
I can see it hurtling down and breaking into 1000 pecies on the ground below
The ground that I so dearly love.

You hinder my enjoyment
Halt parts of my life
and remove shards of happiness from my heart.

You steal my time,
you take it and toy with it, like a cat to a mouse.
you torture me with your eternal darkness,
your angry conditions,
your chill,

so cold.

You make me feel like a broken toy
looking intact,
but the cogs aren't turning properly anymore,
with the happy face painted on,
and the beauty etched in the hard, cold plastic.

Functioning, but not actually being.

I hate you so much.
But I can't help but love you.
I am addicted.

I read somewhere:
'Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you'


...really?

40 winks

We sleep...
everyday

we sleep...
to escape our lives,

to regenerate,

to dream.

to imagine the unimagineable,

to return to that place...that moment.


Today I slept.

The Centre Line

Theres something liberating about walking down the middle of a road

Houses on either side

Nothing in front, nothing behind


Just you, and the road.

Theres a feeling of safety,
but complete vulnerability

And you don't realise it,
but there could be eyes, watching you from windows up high
from hidden places, places we do not realise even exist.

Maybe on day we will discover them.


So I walk, with my head held high,
and with quiet sureness of myself.
Hoping that maybe someone will notice.

But I am content, walking alone.
I know where I am going,
and I do not forget where I have been.

I like this road, with its cobbles
its ups and downs,
its twists and turns,

and its my road, I have it all to myself.

Come and walk with me, for a while
we can talk, we can laugh....


Maybe we have the same destination.

An apology you will never hear

When everything else is gone
when everyone has left
when theres nothing to do
I thought I'd be happy, in a way, I'd feel free.

but Ive been left with a heavy heart
and something on my conscience
and Im trying to be positive
and im trying to get on with things
but I can't

Theres so much I want to say to you
but I can hardly look at you
and its not in anger
nor is it with hurt
it is with pure shame

Everytime I see you, I hate myself
I hate what I did...
or what I couldn't find the courage to do
and if I could change things I honestly would.

I want you to read this
and i want to tell you why
but you wont, and I cant...
but I have to...and I will try.

I know there is so much you want to say to me
and I know I do not want to hear it
...because I know it will all be true
...and it will be the actions of a person I am growing to hate

This cloud over my head will not go away
I dread the rain, I dread the thunder and the lightning,
but maybe once the storm is over there will be sunshine.




....Im really afraid of the storm.

Reasons?

Is there a reason why we do this?
is there some...some...thing some object that we desire?
is there someone that we need to impress?
someone that we need to prove something to?

I do not know

All I know is that there is something, in my heart and in my mind that wills me, that pushes me, even when I cannot breathe, when I cannot see, when the sweat runs down my forehead and into my eyes and my hands burn like fire.
All I know is that there is something, and that thing, that feeling, will never leave me as long as I live and as long as I remember.


That feeling keeps me sane, keeps me going...it keeps me alive.

Far away, there in the sunshine
are my highest aspirations.

I may not reach them
but I can look up, see their beauty
and believe.

Skipping

You know that moment, where your heart ACTUALLY skips a beat,
and you don't know whether you want to laugh, or cry,
and you have this stupid smile on your face?
I just had that.

And its crazy, because I don't know if I want what just happened...to have happened
I think I'd rather have buried my head in the sand
and got on with life, oblivious.

Maybe its not a smile on my face, maybe its a pained expression
I don't know whether I'm happy or angry
whether I want to cry or not.

No, I don't want to cry, I'm so over that
I want to laugh
I'm laughing, its so stupid...

its so...unexpected.

I just had that moment, where my heart ACTUALLY skipped a beat.
I don't like it.

I need to focus, I need to study, I need...I need you to stop playing with my heart.



Leave my heart alone.