Reality Check.

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/dispatches/episode-guide/series-95/episode-1

To my brother...

....twat.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I thought I'd moved on from this
got over the hill of longing
and was skipping down the face of carefree enjoyment
turns out I'm in a rolling valley

and the cliff of longing has presented itself infront of me again.

I don't know if I can bring myself to climb again,
I don't think I have the strength.

Maybe I should turn, and walk down through the valley of life,
forget about the perilous climb,
the adrenaline rush as I reach heights I have never climbed to,
the views I could enjoy,
the small things I could discover in the cracks and crevices of his life,
its tempting.....

I remembered...I thought I hadn't forgotten.

Your voice is so soft,
it soothes me.

It makes me smile, long after you've stopped speaking.

Your eyes are so warm,
your look so intense,
I feel stripped of any falseness,
its just me, you...and thats it.

I can't believe how you make me feel,
I can't think when we talk,
all I have in my head is you,
and the rest turns to....you.

I forgot how much I liked your voice.
I forgot how dark your eyes were.
I forgot how much it meant to me when you smiled.


I don't know how I forgot...

'Eos'

The feeling could not be released,
a tearing, pulling that never ceased.
and inside lay a captive scream,
closing her eyes, she dares to dream
of summer nights and days gone by;
carefree, happy, joyful and high,
on life that has now escaped her grasp,
like a strand of hair slips from a clasp.

Tumbling down her shoulders, those vines,
those locks of beauty set in lines,
hold the embers of that summer day,
that now feels so very far away.
They fade with every tug and pat,
leaving the canvas dull and flat.
Her beauty that was meant to be,
has been stolen by the sea.

Those eyes that should be gazed upon,
so warm and sparkling like a fawn,
have lost that flare, that warmth, that good,
and now lay empty, hard like wood.
No batting of those woeful eyes,
would make one see or realise,

that what was buring, that flame so bright,

has faded deep into the night.

Orange is the happiest colour

"When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out...because that's what's inside. When you are squeezed, what comes out is what is inside."
- Wayne Dyer

A revelation?

"Where is there dignity, unless there is honesty?" Cicero


Existing in a state of disbelief,
Ignoring the truths that lie before us,
we chose to live in a way we think is best,
and fill our minds with dreams of ourselves.
We are selfish by nature,
a trait we condone,

but do not admit to.

We fly by our own wings, yes,
but we are taught how to fly.
We credit ourselves for the heights that we soar,
yet if we fall, we are the first to turn to our teacher.

Our happiness will only come through the departure of our selfishness,
the disappearance of our vanity,
and faith and pride in others.


Only then will we realise how much we have grown.


Only then will it be possible to be completely content.

Pot Black

Pool.
Thats the aim of the game.

but if you get there before you're supposed to
...then what happens?

You don't get to play out the rest of the game.
Its game over.


For everyone.

You could play the game out,
but you, and your compnent will know that its all for nothing.
No one is really going to win.
Not in the true sense.
Potting all those balls and losing anyway.
It seems unfair,
yet why not play on?
You might get some amazing shots
and by the end of the game that little black ball...
...and the rest of them will have been completely forgotten about
...there is a new prize.

The goals can shift.

I think we should play the game out.
I think we should find joy in playing
and forget about who wins or loses
because we will be playing together.

But it seems that I suck at pool
I can't play the game
and I can't decide if you've quit...
...or you're still playing.


Maybe we should take a walk.

Less Human. More Being.

I want to feel the wind in my hair,
the cold air,
stealing the feeling from my fingers,
pinching at my nose,
stinging my eyes.

I want to stand in the silence of nowhere,
and look at the endless nothingness,
and run to the horizon,
only to find the great expanse of nothingness continuing,
into the distance
and beyond.

I want to hear the rustling of the grass,
the whistling of the wind,
the cracking of twigs,
under the feet of the millions of living creatures,
who I cannot see,
but who I know are there.

I want to know that if I cry out,
no one will hear me.
The wind will steal my words
and no one will see me smiling to myself.


Just me.

Just there.



I want to BE. Nothing more.

The moonlight

The moonlight is casting shadows,
Long and dark, they stretch across the cobbles
scraping at my legs as I run along.
They grasp at my heels as I kick up the grit,
and lean out infront of me like obstacles on a shooting range.

No matter how fast I run
or how much I focus on those patches of light,
those shadows catch up with me
and try to pull me back.

I fight the urge to run home
to run back to what I know, what I am.
I'm trying, so hard, to stay away from it all
to keep out of the shadows
..to stay in the light.

But if you are in the shadows,
watching...
waiting...
...for me to stumble,
to turn my head,
to look in you direction,
then wait you can.

As I will keep on running,
into the light,
until the sun rises, and your shadows vanish,
and you leave me in my meadow of joy.

If you want, follow me into the sunshine,
but don't hide in the depths,
I will not seek you out,
I will turn my head and keep on walking,
no matter how much it hurts.

Come into the sunshine.

Together we can dance.

we can talk...


...we can be.

We all need some 'sole'

How often do we notice the bottom of our feet?

We walk upon them every day
they carry us to our destination,
keep us going through bad weather,
ground us in moments of insanity.

We don't notice how dirty our feet get,
however we don't notice when they are clean either.
But we realise when they have to walk through crap.

I could never tell you what the bottom of my feet look like
because I never look,
but I know that without my soles....


I would be nowhere.

Eat Me

Lust...its one of those things you can't avoid.
It's not love
love is something more, something different..
I think...
I don't know what love is

...not really.

Lust however...
thats another thing.
and its worse, worse than love
I guess its sometimes the same as unrequited love
the worst love of them all.

I always imagine my lust will turn into love
but it worries me that then it will just be...
...unrequited love.
I'll end up wanting you so much, that I'll feel like I need you
and then I'll think that I'm in love with you...
but for you, it will just be lust
and that feeling will pass, like a flurry of snow.
and its beautiful while it lasts,
but then it melts, and you're left with the dirty remains,
in small piles,
across the vast space in your mind,

...and it refuses to go away.

I am a thinker, I will not deny it.
and I think about you SO much...
and maybe, just maybe you think about me in the same way

But can we keep it up for 5 months?



I hope so.

Beautiful Chaos

Its pureness is something that cannot be denied.
and its brightness can bring light to a darkened landscape.
and the silence...
The silence is beautiful.

Its presence muffles every sound and movement,
and no matter how alone you are,
it gives you a strange sense of comfort and safety
because in it, everyone is on the same level.

Notebook me

It gets me everytime,
the beauty of the relationship,
the happiness,
the true love and compassion

....and the fact that she forgets.

The reassuring fact that love will find us all, that we will one day be reunited with that long lost love, that person. 'The One'. The fact is torn from us. We forget, one day , we will forget it all, like it never happened, it never existed. And we have to go through our lives, every so often being reminded of this fact, the fact that, yes...it will all be for nothing. One day everything we have done will cease to exist. That day, the day we forget, is the end.....of everything.

It makes me think of my family, my grandparents. If I could go back in time, I would show them that it wasn't for nothing and, whatever happened, they ended up together. I want them to see me and smile, and know it all happened for a reason.

When I am old, and I forget, I want someone to remind me. Not anyone, I want 'that someone' to sit beside me and hold my hand, and make me remember, and smile, and laugh. Because then I will know it was worth it, and I can look back with no regret.

I want to feel the happiness well up inside me, I want to do something worthwhile, I want to be remembered....and be worth remembering.


It kind of puts it all in perspective doesn't it?

You have: One New message.

I love hearing from you
it makes my day
only a few sentences exchanged
a few smiles at a keyboard as I reply
nothing more.

Are you smiling as you type?
laughing at my stressy replies
my funny outlooks...
or are you just replying
not paying attention
Im a non-event in your day.

I don't know.

I care, I want to know more,
I want you to tell me all about you.

I think Im too open...
maybe its off-putting, maybe its too much.
Why keep things from people you trust
from people you want to become fixtures in your life?

I want you to become a fixture,
a constant,
a rock.

Don't be a stranger,
ever.

Maybe in our busy lives we can find time to talk again.
I look forward to it.
And I will smile when it does.

Love/Hate

You pull me in, with your routine
your familiarity.
You make me feel proud, like an achiever,
Strong, like a rock
You challenge me, everytime.

But you push me
to the edge
...you're pushing me over the edge
and I'm slipping,
I'm watching the ground I stand upon fall from beneath my feet
I can see it hurtling down and breaking into 1000 pecies on the ground below
The ground that I so dearly love.

You hinder my enjoyment
Halt parts of my life
and remove shards of happiness from my heart.

You steal my time,
you take it and toy with it, like a cat to a mouse.
you torture me with your eternal darkness,
your angry conditions,
your chill,

so cold.

You make me feel like a broken toy
looking intact,
but the cogs aren't turning properly anymore,
with the happy face painted on,
and the beauty etched in the hard, cold plastic.

Functioning, but not actually being.

I hate you so much.
But I can't help but love you.
I am addicted.

I read somewhere:
'Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you'


...really?

40 winks

We sleep...
everyday

we sleep...
to escape our lives,

to regenerate,

to dream.

to imagine the unimagineable,

to return to that place...that moment.


Today I slept.

The Centre Line

Theres something liberating about walking down the middle of a road

Houses on either side

Nothing in front, nothing behind


Just you, and the road.

Theres a feeling of safety,
but complete vulnerability

And you don't realise it,
but there could be eyes, watching you from windows up high
from hidden places, places we do not realise even exist.

Maybe on day we will discover them.


So I walk, with my head held high,
and with quiet sureness of myself.
Hoping that maybe someone will notice.

But I am content, walking alone.
I know where I am going,
and I do not forget where I have been.

I like this road, with its cobbles
its ups and downs,
its twists and turns,

and its my road, I have it all to myself.

Come and walk with me, for a while
we can talk, we can laugh....


Maybe we have the same destination.

An apology you will never hear

When everything else is gone
when everyone has left
when theres nothing to do
I thought I'd be happy, in a way, I'd feel free.

but Ive been left with a heavy heart
and something on my conscience
and Im trying to be positive
and im trying to get on with things
but I can't

Theres so much I want to say to you
but I can hardly look at you
and its not in anger
nor is it with hurt
it is with pure shame

Everytime I see you, I hate myself
I hate what I did...
or what I couldn't find the courage to do
and if I could change things I honestly would.

I want you to read this
and i want to tell you why
but you wont, and I cant...
but I have to...and I will try.

I know there is so much you want to say to me
and I know I do not want to hear it
...because I know it will all be true
...and it will be the actions of a person I am growing to hate

This cloud over my head will not go away
I dread the rain, I dread the thunder and the lightning,
but maybe once the storm is over there will be sunshine.




....Im really afraid of the storm.

Reasons?

Is there a reason why we do this?
is there some...some...thing some object that we desire?
is there someone that we need to impress?
someone that we need to prove something to?

I do not know

All I know is that there is something, in my heart and in my mind that wills me, that pushes me, even when I cannot breathe, when I cannot see, when the sweat runs down my forehead and into my eyes and my hands burn like fire.
All I know is that there is something, and that thing, that feeling, will never leave me as long as I live and as long as I remember.


That feeling keeps me sane, keeps me going...it keeps me alive.